Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Reforming Sports (Part 3 of Many)

As mentioned in the previous two parts of this series (Part 1: Baseball and Part 2: Soccer and Hockey), I have been appointed Commissar of Sports, and today I’m going to discuss my plans for golf and tennis (although I’m not at all certain golf is actually a sport – if it is, why not darts? – but The Party, in its wisdom, has put me in charge of it, so I will humbly do my duty).

The main thing we’re going to do about golf and tennis is repeal the silly rules they have about being quiet. These are sporting events, not church services. If golfers and tennis players can’t deal with the distractions of noise, they aren’t athletes.

Let me put it this way: a baseball player can deal with a 95mph fastball while 50,000 people scream at him, but a golfer is too delicate to hit a stationary ball if somebody in the gallery sneezes?

The People like to cheer and boo at sporting events, and when I’m running things, They shall. If a heckler wants to loudly tell nasty jokes about Tiger Woods (for example, Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac Escalade? A: Tiger can drive the golf ball 400 yards) while Woods is trying to putt, that’s fine with the Commissar. Though we may draw the line at Q: Why didn't Elin Nordegren ever shop at the fish market? A: Because Tiger was always bringing home crabs.

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